...what if I don't want to put a title here?

I've been extremely lax on blogging over the last couple of months. (Something different, right?) It's been a big transition back to being an independent adult again. I'm moving the last of the furniture and stuff this weekend, so that'll be fun. As alluded to in my previous (albeit short) post, I broke up with my girlfriend after about a month. This is a proven track record for me, I last about a month and then I fall apart and can't deal with dating anymore.

After a long talk the other night, I have reasserted the conclusion that I have issues. (duh) Mostly dealing with my fears of rejection and abandonment. I have a long standing insecurity with myself when it comes to the women I'm dating. I always have this feeling like they're going to bail out on me, or find out I'm not as cool as they think I am...and leave me for some other guy. So I put on a front of being pretty much the best boyfriend in the world...until I get tired of playing the part for days on end...and the cracks in my armor start to show...and then it all comes busting out and they get a good healthy dose of what I like to call "crazy Joe"...who breaks up with them (or they break up with me) and I move on...lamenting all the way about how I could have done this or that better. Never do I really sit back and say, "Hey...you're putting on a show, how about letting her see how you really are?" because that would be frightening to me, to let someone know that I'm super anxious and nervous around groups of people, but have a really good game face to put on when the time comes. They'd see I'm really quite shy, and not that good with words when I'm talking to someone I like. And that would probably be okay, but I don't like letting people see that I'm not made of adamantium, just plastic knock off claws.

I use the internet to find dates, because it's easier to talk to people via email and IM than it is to walk up to a girl at church and tell her that I'm interested and would like to ask her out on a date some time. Nooo...that's too hard. Granted, every girl I know would love a guy to walk up to her and ask her out. They lament over how timid guys at church are all the time...and how they're so frustrated with waiting for a guy to ask them out. For me, it's not so much the actual asking out part...it's the waiting for a reply part...the fear of rejection is so strong in me that I'd rather sit back and watch woman after woman start dating someone else...and get married, rather than buck up and ask them out myself.

Anyway, I'm planning on going to see a counselor this week or next to talk about stuff...it's been a long time since I did that. I can't keep living the way I am...it's not healthy for me, or the people I encounter who I don't give a chance to get to know the "real me". It's time to put away the armor and hang up the claws...there's no room in the inn for superheros, just regular Joe's.