It's fall, and the leaves are turning, the weather is tolerable...and the dating is...well...the usual. I closed another door tonight with a great woman of God. We both realized that despite everything our heads were telling us...that still small voice in the back said, not this one. I'm becoming more and more comfortable with the idea of being single for the sake of being single again. God has obliged me on eHarmony with no new matches in over a week. Either that or one of my current matches is one He wants me to spend some more time with. Who knows...
This was my first day off in over a week, and how did I spend it? Sleeping. I went to bed some time around 2am and didn't officially get out of bed until 5pm. It felt wonderful to not have anywhere to be...and to not have to get up when it was still dark out and drive to work. I don't even know what to do with myself tonight. I might watch some Heroes, or maybe a movie...or maybe neither. I don't care...I don't have to be anywhere in the morning!
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Saturday, September 22, 2007
I'm tired...
I'm on day 6 of 8 in a row and I'm tired. I'm ready for a few days off... I can't really even come up with a coherent sentence at this point. The weather is changing, and with it comes the annual ache in my knee. I've been really lax in exercising in the last month or so, I've made a conscious effort to at least hit the elliptical as often as I can during this week of insanity, but it's hard. All I want to do when I get home is sleep. Though, I've been reading like mad this week. I've got so many good books going right now, I can't figure out which one to read first. I picked up another "best of" book yesterday, and finally got to read Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card...so now I'll have to go out and pick up the actual novel now that I've read the short story. Anyway...
I finally had to de-friend my ex on Facebook today. It's actually the first time I've done that to someone other than the girl who puked in my car, who shall remain nameless. I'm just so frustrated not with her, but with what she reminds me of. Every time I see her pictures I'm reminded of the lifestyle I'm trying so hard not to want. The lifestyle I can't live up to...and find myself getting angry when I want to. Maybe if things had been a little different, had I not dropped out of school to be a paramedic...maybe I would have been working for some advertising agency peddling things nobody wants or needs...but will buy anyway in a vain attempt to keep up with the world of high priced merchandise. I know the money would have been good, but when it came down to it, would I have really been happy doing what I did? The more medics I talk to who have been in the industry for a while, the more I hear about how they've never had a job that was nearly as satisfying, despite making a whole lot more money elsewhere.
So I have to sit back and contemplate my career goals at this point. The world keeps telling me that I need to get more education and make more money to be happy...but I like what I do. Despite the mediocre pay, and the lousy hours...I can't think of anything I'd rather be doing at this point in my life. But, being with her made me feel so inadequate I didn't know what to do with myself. I found myself stressing out constantly about where I've ended up at this point. I questioned everything about my life on a daily basis...and it wasn't any fun. While I was with her, I had a great time...but afterwards I felt awful...and unneeded. Despite what she was saying, all I ever heard was "your job isn't good enough, you like the wrong things...and despite treating me better than any other guy has...you've got to fix everything about you to be good enough for me". In her defense, I do have issues...but ideally in a healthy relationship you should each bring out the best of each other and accept them *despite* all their faults. Anyway...I like my job, and of course I want to go back to school to expand my knowledge...but right now, I'm good with where I'm at, and would hope that somewhere out there a girl would be good with where I'm at too...
I finally had to de-friend my ex on Facebook today. It's actually the first time I've done that to someone other than the girl who puked in my car, who shall remain nameless. I'm just so frustrated not with her, but with what she reminds me of. Every time I see her pictures I'm reminded of the lifestyle I'm trying so hard not to want. The lifestyle I can't live up to...and find myself getting angry when I want to. Maybe if things had been a little different, had I not dropped out of school to be a paramedic...maybe I would have been working for some advertising agency peddling things nobody wants or needs...but will buy anyway in a vain attempt to keep up with the world of high priced merchandise. I know the money would have been good, but when it came down to it, would I have really been happy doing what I did? The more medics I talk to who have been in the industry for a while, the more I hear about how they've never had a job that was nearly as satisfying, despite making a whole lot more money elsewhere.
So I have to sit back and contemplate my career goals at this point. The world keeps telling me that I need to get more education and make more money to be happy...but I like what I do. Despite the mediocre pay, and the lousy hours...I can't think of anything I'd rather be doing at this point in my life. But, being with her made me feel so inadequate I didn't know what to do with myself. I found myself stressing out constantly about where I've ended up at this point. I questioned everything about my life on a daily basis...and it wasn't any fun. While I was with her, I had a great time...but afterwards I felt awful...and unneeded. Despite what she was saying, all I ever heard was "your job isn't good enough, you like the wrong things...and despite treating me better than any other guy has...you've got to fix everything about you to be good enough for me". In her defense, I do have issues...but ideally in a healthy relationship you should each bring out the best of each other and accept them *despite* all their faults. Anyway...I like my job, and of course I want to go back to school to expand my knowledge...but right now, I'm good with where I'm at, and would hope that somewhere out there a girl would be good with where I'm at too...
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Don't call it a comeback...
Wow, it's been nearly two months since I wrote last. So much has happened in that time...I don't even know where to begin.
I took a little break from eHarmony to try and get sorted. I really don't know if God is calling me to be in a dating relationship right now...but I'll give it a shot again. Just when everything seemed to be in order, life got flipped on it's side. I guess that's to be expected though...
I've been reading a ton of books again (could be trouble...) and I've been trying to broaden my reading horizons from the world of relationship books. I picked up a collection of speculative "what if" historical short stories...it's been a pretty interesting read so far. One of them deals with the events of the mid 60's after Germany and the U.S. came to a cease fire agreement to end WWII. (This of course happened after Germany's nuclear armed V3 rockets obliterated England and most of Europe.) Another speculates what might have happened if the South had won the Civil War... Yet another tells the story of the botched bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki...and how the mere demonstration of their destructive power may have yielded a similar result. (Though, I don't think the author took into account the ferocious loyalty of the Japanese people to their Emperor and his order that death should always precede surrender...but who am I to quibble with speculative historical fiction?)
I'm also reading book 1 of 2 in the "Eugenics Wars" saga of Star Trek. For those of you out there who aren't as nerdy as myself, the Eugenics Wars took place in the 1990's of Star Trek's timeline and resulted in the fleeing of Khan Noonian Singh and his fellow supermen to the stars aboard the SS Botany Bay. It's an interesting look at the "past" through the eyes of Star Trek following the progress of genetic engineering from the 1970's through the 90's and the sparking of WWIII.
Yet another book I'm reading is Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis. I've only read passages from it in the past and I thought it was high time I actually read the whole thing. It's been quite the page turner so far. I'm constantly amazed by how one man could have been so insightful so many years ago, and how his writing is still quite poignant today. My faith has really been tested this summer...by both myself and my relationships. I've questioned a lot of truths that should never have even been in contention, and been somewhat disappointed with myself along the way.
I was talking with my friend Justin today about relationships that I've been in recently...and how it always seems that I go for one extreme or the other when it comes to Christian women. On the one hand I have girls who are very much in *and* of the world and yet regard themselves as Christians, and on the other you have the very devout Christians who may or may not have ever had their faith tested by life (or dating for that matter...). I have yet to come to a consensus which is worse at this point. I think there's too little blending of the two. Granted, I'd prefer she be open to new ideas *and* able to accept that some times you have to say no to the world. Especially the world's definition of what is and isn't "acceptable behavior" when it comes to male/female interactions. It's so frustrating to be torn by mind and body...your head is saying one thing...and your body is saying something completely contradictory to what you know in your head is right. Anyway...it's almost 0130...and I should be getting to bed.
More to come in the days ahead...
I took a little break from eHarmony to try and get sorted. I really don't know if God is calling me to be in a dating relationship right now...but I'll give it a shot again. Just when everything seemed to be in order, life got flipped on it's side. I guess that's to be expected though...
I've been reading a ton of books again (could be trouble...) and I've been trying to broaden my reading horizons from the world of relationship books. I picked up a collection of speculative "what if" historical short stories...it's been a pretty interesting read so far. One of them deals with the events of the mid 60's after Germany and the U.S. came to a cease fire agreement to end WWII. (This of course happened after Germany's nuclear armed V3 rockets obliterated England and most of Europe.) Another speculates what might have happened if the South had won the Civil War... Yet another tells the story of the botched bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki...and how the mere demonstration of their destructive power may have yielded a similar result. (Though, I don't think the author took into account the ferocious loyalty of the Japanese people to their Emperor and his order that death should always precede surrender...but who am I to quibble with speculative historical fiction?)
I'm also reading book 1 of 2 in the "Eugenics Wars" saga of Star Trek. For those of you out there who aren't as nerdy as myself, the Eugenics Wars took place in the 1990's of Star Trek's timeline and resulted in the fleeing of Khan Noonian Singh and his fellow supermen to the stars aboard the SS Botany Bay. It's an interesting look at the "past" through the eyes of Star Trek following the progress of genetic engineering from the 1970's through the 90's and the sparking of WWIII.
Yet another book I'm reading is Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis. I've only read passages from it in the past and I thought it was high time I actually read the whole thing. It's been quite the page turner so far. I'm constantly amazed by how one man could have been so insightful so many years ago, and how his writing is still quite poignant today. My faith has really been tested this summer...by both myself and my relationships. I've questioned a lot of truths that should never have even been in contention, and been somewhat disappointed with myself along the way.
I was talking with my friend Justin today about relationships that I've been in recently...and how it always seems that I go for one extreme or the other when it comes to Christian women. On the one hand I have girls who are very much in *and* of the world and yet regard themselves as Christians, and on the other you have the very devout Christians who may or may not have ever had their faith tested by life (or dating for that matter...). I have yet to come to a consensus which is worse at this point. I think there's too little blending of the two. Granted, I'd prefer she be open to new ideas *and* able to accept that some times you have to say no to the world. Especially the world's definition of what is and isn't "acceptable behavior" when it comes to male/female interactions. It's so frustrating to be torn by mind and body...your head is saying one thing...and your body is saying something completely contradictory to what you know in your head is right. Anyway...it's almost 0130...and I should be getting to bed.
More to come in the days ahead...
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