I'm tired...

I'm on day 6 of 8 in a row and I'm tired. I'm ready for a few days off... I can't really even come up with a coherent sentence at this point. The weather is changing, and with it comes the annual ache in my knee. I've been really lax in exercising in the last month or so, I've made a conscious effort to at least hit the elliptical as often as I can during this week of insanity, but it's hard. All I want to do when I get home is sleep. Though, I've been reading like mad this week. I've got so many good books going right now, I can't figure out which one to read first. I picked up another "best of" book yesterday, and finally got to read Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card...so now I'll have to go out and pick up the actual novel now that I've read the short story. Anyway...

I finally had to de-friend my ex on Facebook today. It's actually the first time I've done that to someone other than the girl who puked in my car, who shall remain nameless. I'm just so frustrated not with her, but with what she reminds me of. Every time I see her pictures I'm reminded of the lifestyle I'm trying so hard not to want. The lifestyle I can't live up to...and find myself getting angry when I want to. Maybe if things had been a little different, had I not dropped out of school to be a paramedic...maybe I would have been working for some advertising agency peddling things nobody wants or needs...but will buy anyway in a vain attempt to keep up with the world of high priced merchandise. I know the money would have been good, but when it came down to it, would I have really been happy doing what I did? The more medics I talk to who have been in the industry for a while, the more I hear about how they've never had a job that was nearly as satisfying, despite making a whole lot more money elsewhere.

So I have to sit back and contemplate my career goals at this point. The world keeps telling me that I need to get more education and make more money to be happy...but I like what I do. Despite the mediocre pay, and the lousy hours...I can't think of anything I'd rather be doing at this point in my life. But, being with her made me feel so inadequate I didn't know what to do with myself. I found myself stressing out constantly about where I've ended up at this point. I questioned everything about my life on a daily basis...and it wasn't any fun. While I was with her, I had a great time...but afterwards I felt awful...and unneeded. Despite what she was saying, all I ever heard was "your job isn't good enough, you like the wrong things...and despite treating me better than any other guy has...you've got to fix everything about you to be good enough for me". In her defense, I do have issues...but ideally in a healthy relationship you should each bring out the best of each other and accept them *despite* all their faults. Anyway...I like my job, and of course I want to go back to school to expand my knowledge...but right now, I'm good with where I'm at, and would hope that somewhere out there a girl would be good with where I'm at too...