Has it really been 2 months?

Seriously, have I been away from blogging that long? I've had lots of things to write about, but really have just been processing things internally as of late.

I joined Lifetime Fitness about a month ago and have gone most nights since that time, despite being sick for the better part of the last month. They've been exceedingly helpful with planning out meals and setting up exercise routines. I've managed to lose 5 pounds in 2 weeks...only 45 more to go! (By August...) My trainer has been really cool, she even started coming to Upper Room.

As for being sick, I'm not really sure what it is that I have, but it's annoying. I've had (in no particular order) a fever, nausea/vomiting, a sore throat, the brief loss of my voice, lots of coughing, a runny nose, headaches and just a general feeling of fatigue. I missed work again today after making it through just fine on Monday and Tuesday. I woke up today and felt like someone had hit me with a bus, and backed over me to make sure they got the job done...then I puked. All in all, great way to start out the morning.

I sometimes wonder if it's stress related, I've been under quite a bit of it as of late. It seems like everything sort of collapsed in on me in the last couple of weeks and I'm finally climbing out of the wreckage. I've been going to meal group for the first time this session. I wound up with a really neat collection of people from different life stages. Plus, it's given me a chance to get out of the house for something other than buying food and going to the gym while I've been sick. Oh, and one of them worked with an ex-girlfriend...so it's been interesting getting to talk through stuff with her and her husband.

I picked up a book recently called When Bad Christians Happen to Good People by Dave Burchett (ISBN-10: 1578564905) I've run into a lot of people at work whose only real exposure to a Christian was a guy who was a real Bible thumping proselytizing holier-than-thou who worked here until he was fired for gross sexual misconduct with patients... Anyway, there are about 4-5 Christians that I know of at work, and by Christians I mean the kind that go to church on days other than Christmas and Easter, and are willing to discuss Faith matters openly. So there's a big void there...and a lot of mixed animosity/apathy towards Christians in general because of this guy. Granted, there are quite a few homosexuals at my workplace as well, and traditionally, they mix like water and oil with Christians. So, I figured it would be a good idea to have a place to start at least opening dialogs with people about what they think of the whole "Jesus Stuff". It's been relatively easy so far, people are really willing to talk about what they believe when they're comfortable that you're not trying to convert them...so we'll see where that goes in the future. I'm hoping to gain some new insight into how to breach the subject more successfully through reading. (Imagine that, me trying to learn more from a book...go figure.)

I'm also experimenting what life is like without a regular TV. Mine was tragically destroyed in an incident about a week ago where my building leaked and shorted out both the TV and the cable box. I had the cable box replaced (I can't miss LOST...) but the TV is still sitting on the floor until such a time as the dumpster in the garage is empty enough for me to toss it in. (My building generates a disproportionate amount of large items it seems.)

In the mean time, I've been using my 10" portable DVD player as a monitor to watch stuff on cable. It's tiny, but I can at least keep up with all my shows/movies that I've been recording. I've been saving a lot of classics as of late, as well as several shows on PBS. I suppose at some point I'll get rid of cable entirely and just record the network shows I like...but I'm not ready for that yet.

Oh, dating...no dates in over 2 months, and I'm okay with that. My eHarmony membership lapses next week...after a year and only minor success, I was ready to pack it in. I turned off matching in January, and shut down everything else shortly after that. It was an eye opening year for me personally, of which I'll probably have to write an entry about in the next few days...

Anyway, life's been interesting in the last few months that I've "been away" from here...more to come in the near future...I promise.

...what if I don't want to put a title here?

I've been extremely lax on blogging over the last couple of months. (Something different, right?) It's been a big transition back to being an independent adult again. I'm moving the last of the furniture and stuff this weekend, so that'll be fun. As alluded to in my previous (albeit short) post, I broke up with my girlfriend after about a month. This is a proven track record for me, I last about a month and then I fall apart and can't deal with dating anymore.

After a long talk the other night, I have reasserted the conclusion that I have issues. (duh) Mostly dealing with my fears of rejection and abandonment. I have a long standing insecurity with myself when it comes to the women I'm dating. I always have this feeling like they're going to bail out on me, or find out I'm not as cool as they think I am...and leave me for some other guy. So I put on a front of being pretty much the best boyfriend in the world...until I get tired of playing the part for days on end...and the cracks in my armor start to show...and then it all comes busting out and they get a good healthy dose of what I like to call "crazy Joe"...who breaks up with them (or they break up with me) and I move on...lamenting all the way about how I could have done this or that better. Never do I really sit back and say, "Hey...you're putting on a show, how about letting her see how you really are?" because that would be frightening to me, to let someone know that I'm super anxious and nervous around groups of people, but have a really good game face to put on when the time comes. They'd see I'm really quite shy, and not that good with words when I'm talking to someone I like. And that would probably be okay, but I don't like letting people see that I'm not made of adamantium, just plastic knock off claws.

I use the internet to find dates, because it's easier to talk to people via email and IM than it is to walk up to a girl at church and tell her that I'm interested and would like to ask her out on a date some time. Nooo...that's too hard. Granted, every girl I know would love a guy to walk up to her and ask her out. They lament over how timid guys at church are all the time...and how they're so frustrated with waiting for a guy to ask them out. For me, it's not so much the actual asking out part...it's the waiting for a reply part...the fear of rejection is so strong in me that I'd rather sit back and watch woman after woman start dating someone else...and get married, rather than buck up and ask them out myself.

Anyway, I'm planning on going to see a counselor this week or next to talk about stuff...it's been a long time since I did that. I can't keep living the way I am...it's not healthy for me, or the people I encounter who I don't give a chance to get to know the "real me". It's time to put away the armor and hang up the claws...there's no room in the inn for superheros, just regular Joe's.

Suddenly...

...it was over as quickly as it began. *sigh*

Does anyone have anything for me to do this weekend so I don't go crazy by myself? Seriously...

New things

So it's been over a month since I wrote anything last, and in that time I've moved and started a new relationship. In and of themselves...rather big deals.

I love my new place, it's pretty utilitarian at this point. I'm still working on slowly moving all my furniture from my parents house to the apartment. Of course, it being December...the weather isn't really cooperating. With the snow comes the cold...and the desire to move things decreases steadily...

I went grocery shopping for the first time in almost 2 years. (well, if you don't count random trips to the store to pick up a gallon of milk for my parents) I actually had a big stupid grin on my face for most of my adventure through Cub Foods. It was a lot of fun to be able to buy stuff for myself again...I know that "fun-ness" will wear off pretty quick...but I'm enjoying it while it lasts. I am at least self sufficient at this point, so that's something.

Now, the part everyone wants to hear about...the relationship. Too bad! I'll just say she's awesome. She makes me smile just being around her...which I absolutely love. I wish I could spend more time with her...because she's pretty much the coolest girl ever!

Anywho...it's like almost 0330...and I should get to sleep. Oh, one more thing...CiCi's Pizza opened in Eagan! It's hopefully the first of many in the Twin Cities. I ate entirely too much tonight...but oh, the joy of all you can eat pizza...

Moving in slow motion

I'm moving. I don't know where to, but I'm doing it. My plans are to be ready to leave by the end of November, and by the end of the year at the very latest. I've been reading Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend. In it they talk about a lot of different types of boundaries. The ones I've been struggling most come from the family variety. For the better part of a decade I lived on my own with relatively little input outside of tuition coming from my parents. My move back to the Twin Cities was originally intended to be temporary for a month or two at the most. I had a job lined up in Florida and was pretty much planning on moving there as soon as I had taken the FL paramedic registry exam. So I studied and then...decided that I wasn't sure I wanted to be a medic any longer.

So, I stayed home, and 2 months has turned into 2 years. I've been blessed with loving and supportive parents who have always only wanted the best for me, but I've come to realize that I'm only stifling my growth as an adult by staying here. I don't save money like I should be...and I live far away from work and my friends. I love driving, but there comes a time when those extra couple of hours spent in the car would be nice to spend sleeping instead...

In Genesis 2:24 it states:

"Therefore a man leaves his father and mother and embraces his wife. They become one flesh. " (The Message)

As a Christian man, I'm called to separate and begin my own family. I think that's part of why my dating life has been so unsuccessful as of late. I went from an independent and fully functional adult lifestyle to one that is hobbled by the fact that I live upstairs from my parents and don't do all my cooking any more, I'm not responsible for making sure I've got enough money for food, water and electricity any more. While I enjoy the relative ease with which I go about my life at home, I long for something more...something that living so far away from everything I'm involved in will continue to hobble me until *I* do something about it. As some of you out there know, I've been praying about a woman I know and what to do with the feelings I have for her. I still don't have a cut and dried answer...but I feel like God is working through that desire to light the fire under my seat to get out and live again.

I guess this kind of is a dating related blog...but not really. Most of what I've been running over in my head lately has been in regards to the whole concept of "what if it really *is* me?" idea. I've come to some conclusions that it's a little bit of everything...how's that for vague? Happy Halloween, I guess.

Ready for the next....what?

I'm ready. I don't know for what...or when, but I'm ready. I feel like something big is going to happen soon. I've been on several rather lackluster dates in the last month. Nice women all...but just, not for me.

I've been reading Sex God by Rob Bell over the last few nights. It's really opened my eyes up to a lot of random things that I've been substituting "this for that" lately. This drive I have to find a mate has been suffocating. I don't really know where it's coming from...and I don't know why in the last year it's turned up to 11... But, I do know that it's about time for a change...maybe it's me? Anyway...have a great weekend...

To every season, turn, turn turn...

It's fall, and the leaves are turning, the weather is tolerable...and the dating is...well...the usual. I closed another door tonight with a great woman of God. We both realized that despite everything our heads were telling us...that still small voice in the back said, not this one. I'm becoming more and more comfortable with the idea of being single for the sake of being single again. God has obliged me on eHarmony with no new matches in over a week. Either that or one of my current matches is one He wants me to spend some more time with. Who knows...

This was my first day off in over a week, and how did I spend it? Sleeping. I went to bed some time around 2am and didn't officially get out of bed until 5pm. It felt wonderful to not have anywhere to be...and to not have to get up when it was still dark out and drive to work. I don't even know what to do with myself tonight. I might watch some Heroes, or maybe a movie...or maybe neither. I don't care...I don't have to be anywhere in the morning!