New things

So it's been over a month since I wrote anything last, and in that time I've moved and started a new relationship. In and of themselves...rather big deals.

I love my new place, it's pretty utilitarian at this point. I'm still working on slowly moving all my furniture from my parents house to the apartment. Of course, it being December...the weather isn't really cooperating. With the snow comes the cold...and the desire to move things decreases steadily...

I went grocery shopping for the first time in almost 2 years. (well, if you don't count random trips to the store to pick up a gallon of milk for my parents) I actually had a big stupid grin on my face for most of my adventure through Cub Foods. It was a lot of fun to be able to buy stuff for myself again...I know that "fun-ness" will wear off pretty quick...but I'm enjoying it while it lasts. I am at least self sufficient at this point, so that's something.

Now, the part everyone wants to hear about...the relationship. Too bad! I'll just say she's awesome. She makes me smile just being around her...which I absolutely love. I wish I could spend more time with her...because she's pretty much the coolest girl ever!

Anywho...it's like almost 0330...and I should get to sleep. Oh, one more thing...CiCi's Pizza opened in Eagan! It's hopefully the first of many in the Twin Cities. I ate entirely too much tonight...but oh, the joy of all you can eat pizza...

Moving in slow motion

I'm moving. I don't know where to, but I'm doing it. My plans are to be ready to leave by the end of November, and by the end of the year at the very latest. I've been reading Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend. In it they talk about a lot of different types of boundaries. The ones I've been struggling most come from the family variety. For the better part of a decade I lived on my own with relatively little input outside of tuition coming from my parents. My move back to the Twin Cities was originally intended to be temporary for a month or two at the most. I had a job lined up in Florida and was pretty much planning on moving there as soon as I had taken the FL paramedic registry exam. So I studied and then...decided that I wasn't sure I wanted to be a medic any longer.

So, I stayed home, and 2 months has turned into 2 years. I've been blessed with loving and supportive parents who have always only wanted the best for me, but I've come to realize that I'm only stifling my growth as an adult by staying here. I don't save money like I should be...and I live far away from work and my friends. I love driving, but there comes a time when those extra couple of hours spent in the car would be nice to spend sleeping instead...

In Genesis 2:24 it states:

"Therefore a man leaves his father and mother and embraces his wife. They become one flesh. " (The Message)

As a Christian man, I'm called to separate and begin my own family. I think that's part of why my dating life has been so unsuccessful as of late. I went from an independent and fully functional adult lifestyle to one that is hobbled by the fact that I live upstairs from my parents and don't do all my cooking any more, I'm not responsible for making sure I've got enough money for food, water and electricity any more. While I enjoy the relative ease with which I go about my life at home, I long for something more...something that living so far away from everything I'm involved in will continue to hobble me until *I* do something about it. As some of you out there know, I've been praying about a woman I know and what to do with the feelings I have for her. I still don't have a cut and dried answer...but I feel like God is working through that desire to light the fire under my seat to get out and live again.

I guess this kind of is a dating related blog...but not really. Most of what I've been running over in my head lately has been in regards to the whole concept of "what if it really *is* me?" idea. I've come to some conclusions that it's a little bit of everything...how's that for vague? Happy Halloween, I guess.

Ready for the next....what?

I'm ready. I don't know for what...or when, but I'm ready. I feel like something big is going to happen soon. I've been on several rather lackluster dates in the last month. Nice women all...but just, not for me.

I've been reading Sex God by Rob Bell over the last few nights. It's really opened my eyes up to a lot of random things that I've been substituting "this for that" lately. This drive I have to find a mate has been suffocating. I don't really know where it's coming from...and I don't know why in the last year it's turned up to 11... But, I do know that it's about time for a change...maybe it's me? Anyway...have a great weekend...

To every season, turn, turn turn...

It's fall, and the leaves are turning, the weather is tolerable...and the dating is...well...the usual. I closed another door tonight with a great woman of God. We both realized that despite everything our heads were telling us...that still small voice in the back said, not this one. I'm becoming more and more comfortable with the idea of being single for the sake of being single again. God has obliged me on eHarmony with no new matches in over a week. Either that or one of my current matches is one He wants me to spend some more time with. Who knows...

This was my first day off in over a week, and how did I spend it? Sleeping. I went to bed some time around 2am and didn't officially get out of bed until 5pm. It felt wonderful to not have anywhere to be...and to not have to get up when it was still dark out and drive to work. I don't even know what to do with myself tonight. I might watch some Heroes, or maybe a movie...or maybe neither. I don't care...I don't have to be anywhere in the morning!

I'm tired...

I'm on day 6 of 8 in a row and I'm tired. I'm ready for a few days off... I can't really even come up with a coherent sentence at this point. The weather is changing, and with it comes the annual ache in my knee. I've been really lax in exercising in the last month or so, I've made a conscious effort to at least hit the elliptical as often as I can during this week of insanity, but it's hard. All I want to do when I get home is sleep. Though, I've been reading like mad this week. I've got so many good books going right now, I can't figure out which one to read first. I picked up another "best of" book yesterday, and finally got to read Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card...so now I'll have to go out and pick up the actual novel now that I've read the short story. Anyway...

I finally had to de-friend my ex on Facebook today. It's actually the first time I've done that to someone other than the girl who puked in my car, who shall remain nameless. I'm just so frustrated not with her, but with what she reminds me of. Every time I see her pictures I'm reminded of the lifestyle I'm trying so hard not to want. The lifestyle I can't live up to...and find myself getting angry when I want to. Maybe if things had been a little different, had I not dropped out of school to be a paramedic...maybe I would have been working for some advertising agency peddling things nobody wants or needs...but will buy anyway in a vain attempt to keep up with the world of high priced merchandise. I know the money would have been good, but when it came down to it, would I have really been happy doing what I did? The more medics I talk to who have been in the industry for a while, the more I hear about how they've never had a job that was nearly as satisfying, despite making a whole lot more money elsewhere.

So I have to sit back and contemplate my career goals at this point. The world keeps telling me that I need to get more education and make more money to be happy...but I like what I do. Despite the mediocre pay, and the lousy hours...I can't think of anything I'd rather be doing at this point in my life. But, being with her made me feel so inadequate I didn't know what to do with myself. I found myself stressing out constantly about where I've ended up at this point. I questioned everything about my life on a daily basis...and it wasn't any fun. While I was with her, I had a great time...but afterwards I felt awful...and unneeded. Despite what she was saying, all I ever heard was "your job isn't good enough, you like the wrong things...and despite treating me better than any other guy has...you've got to fix everything about you to be good enough for me". In her defense, I do have issues...but ideally in a healthy relationship you should each bring out the best of each other and accept them *despite* all their faults. Anyway...I like my job, and of course I want to go back to school to expand my knowledge...but right now, I'm good with where I'm at, and would hope that somewhere out there a girl would be good with where I'm at too...

Don't call it a comeback...

Wow, it's been nearly two months since I wrote last. So much has happened in that time...I don't even know where to begin.

I took a little break from eHarmony to try and get sorted. I really don't know if God is calling me to be in a dating relationship right now...but I'll give it a shot again. Just when everything seemed to be in order, life got flipped on it's side. I guess that's to be expected though...

I've been reading a ton of books again (could be trouble...) and I've been trying to broaden my reading horizons from the world of relationship books. I picked up a collection of speculative "what if" historical short stories...it's been a pretty interesting read so far. One of them deals with the events of the mid 60's after Germany and the U.S. came to a cease fire agreement to end WWII. (This of course happened after Germany's nuclear armed V3 rockets obliterated England and most of Europe.) Another speculates what might have happened if the South had won the Civil War... Yet another tells the story of the botched bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki...and how the mere demonstration of their destructive power may have yielded a similar result. (Though, I don't think the author took into account the ferocious loyalty of the Japanese people to their Emperor and his order that death should always precede surrender...but who am I to quibble with speculative historical fiction?)

I'm also reading book 1 of 2 in the "Eugenics Wars" saga of Star Trek. For those of you out there who aren't as nerdy as myself, the Eugenics Wars took place in the 1990's of Star Trek's timeline and resulted in the fleeing of Khan Noonian Singh and his fellow supermen to the stars aboard the SS Botany Bay. It's an interesting look at the "past" through the eyes of Star Trek following the progress of genetic engineering from the 1970's through the 90's and the sparking of WWIII.

Yet another book I'm reading is Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis. I've only read passages from it in the past and I thought it was high time I actually read the whole thing. It's been quite the page turner so far. I'm constantly amazed by how one man could have been so insightful so many years ago, and how his writing is still quite poignant today. My faith has really been tested this summer...by both myself and my relationships. I've questioned a lot of truths that should never have even been in contention, and been somewhat disappointed with myself along the way.

I was talking with my friend Justin today about relationships that I've been in recently...and how it always seems that I go for one extreme or the other when it comes to Christian women. On the one hand I have girls who are very much in *and* of the world and yet regard themselves as Christians, and on the other you have the very devout Christians who may or may not have ever had their faith tested by life (or dating for that matter...). I have yet to come to a consensus which is worse at this point. I think there's too little blending of the two. Granted, I'd prefer she be open to new ideas *and* able to accept that some times you have to say no to the world. Especially the world's definition of what is and isn't "acceptable behavior" when it comes to male/female interactions. It's so frustrating to be torn by mind and body...your head is saying one thing...and your body is saying something completely contradictory to what you know in your head is right. Anyway...it's almost 0130...and I should be getting to bed.

More to come in the days ahead...

What the...

Today was an interesting day for me, I did a lot of thinking (dangerous and surprising...I know) and I came to the conclusion that I'm tired of being crazy. As much as I relish being neurotic (despite my woes) it's getting old...kind of like me. It's tiring, and I don't know why I cling so tightly to it...I think it's because it's easier to be a coward and complain about it than be brave and worry about it later.

(I'm a moron....)

In other news, Farscape is returning (kind of) as a series of webisodes. Apparently Ben Browder and Claudia Black are "available"...which is freaking awesome. Farscape was one of the finest shows on television, but the long story arcs required consistent viewing from week to week to figure out what the heck was going on...and thus prevented a lot of new viewers from grabbing on to it. This lead to the ultimate in fan angering endings... a season finale with "to be continued..." as the lead out. Only to be left hanging for several years until the release of "The Peacekeeper Wars" which wrapped up lots of loose ends...and of course made a lot of fans (including myself) at least somewhat satisfied. But, we still miss our weekly dose of John and Aeryn gallivanting around Peacekeeper territory...so any new stories are a welcome addition...regardless of how they're delivered.

Back to reality...

It's been a couple of weeks since I wrote last, obviously...

I've been moody lately, some of that has to do with working 7 days in a row with little time for anything other than a quick run before going to bed. I have a crush on a girl I think would like me...but we'd be a terrible fit. She's smart, beautiful, charming...and single. She's interested in what I do for a living...but I have this feeling that we'd have so many things not in common that it could work, but more than likely tear us apart. I saw pictures of her last boyfriend, Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome...and the guys she usually hangs out with are much the same.

Seeing those guys and playing the usual "let's compare myself to people I know relatively nothing about" game makes me drive myself that much harder when I run...and it frustrates me. Even when I was "skinny" I was a big guy, it's the Norwegian in me. And like I've mentioned in previous blogs over at good 'ol MySpace...my weight has been an issue for me for the better part of a decade now. And lately I've seen pictures of me and wonder where my jawline went (again...) It's so easy for me to lose weight, but I keep reaching a point where I just stop working at it. I don't know why.

I've never been (and probably will never be) one of those hip, trendy guys. I'm like the Antichrist of trendy...or at least feel like it some days. I've often wanted to be one of the trendy guys, but realize how shallow those people usually are when I spend time with them...and I can do without that. But despite that, I still feel like I'm always striving to fit in...even at 27. I should be my own person by now, and some days I feel like I am...but other days I feel like I'm 17 again and just trying to blend in with the crowd.

I think way too much...

It's Hot...

It's been a few days since I wrote last...I'm on the last of another 6 days in a row at work...and of course, I'm typing this while I'm at work.

My birthday is coming up on the 4th. I hate this time of year...it's about as much fun as Valentine's day and New Years for me. In the last few years, they've only been hallmarks of another year's passing. Another year single, another year without deciding to go out and do it. (whatever "it" is) It's the one time of the year I want nothing more than to be left alone. I get tired of wanting what is seemingly out of reach without getting off of my butt and going after it.

I'll be 27 this year. Creeping closer to 30 with each day. And while I know that 27 is by no means old in any stretch of the imagination...it feels old to me. I saw pictures of me from spring break of my Freshman year of college, and it made me wonder what happened to the last 7 years? Where did the time go? What happened to that kid who was so ready to take on the world? Is he still here? Is he still ready to take on the world after so much has happened? Or has he taken a resigned outlook on life in general... I really hope not...

Obviously I get a little down around my birthday...it's the introspective nerd in me. I spend so much time throughout the year over-analyzing situations (past and future) that I rarely just act. I don't do anything spontaneous anymore. It feels like my entire life these days is planned out in the days and weeks beforehand...and the fat guy I'm supposed to have battled with is looming in the shadows...anyway...back to work. I hope everyone out there had a great weekend...at least someone did.

Meh

I'm tired. Tired of trying. Brett says I think (and read) too much about dating/relationships...and he's right. The vast majority of my time these days is consumed by it. I've met some wonderful women through eHarmony...but I've also put way too much time and effort into relationships I'm not entirely sure I want to pursue. According to the books (I know...I know) this is normal to question and doubt relationships. It's the "second stage" of a dating relationship. But, I've never been presented with the conundrum I'm in now. All of this is so new to me, I'm not sure that I'm fully able to comprehend all the permutations of combinations that go into deciding who to date. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. But, at the same time...am I putting others before me so far as to deny my own feelings? What do I really feel about everyone? Am I so caught up in the process that I can't look objectively at the whole thing and realize that my fatigue may be a sign?

It's scary to think I'm actually looking forward to going back to work this week so that I can get a break from going out with people. I've had fun, but I really don't know if I can keep this up. I'm ready to be 6 months from now with just one girl...and I don't know if I've even met her yet. No offense to the ladies I've dated so far...I don't really know you well enough to make a choice just yet. One insightful woman I had the chance to have dinner with this week pointed out that I prayed that I would have the chance to date responsibly earlier this year...and as always God didn't disappoint. But really, couldn't He have...spread them out a little? I know He works in really strange ways...but this is bordering on insanity. Now, I know that He doesn't send anything our way that we're not capable of handling, but sometimes I wish I could see my potential the way He does...

Anyway...it's 2am...and time for bed.

Oh, that Arm & Hammer baking soda toothpaste...highly recommended. I got some tonight and it lived up to expectations. My mouth feels quite clean.

Frustration, all I ever wanted...Frustration, happy to get away

Did you ever have one of those weeks where you felt like even though you did so much...you didn't get anything done? It's been a long tumultuous two weeks. I worked 6 days in a row, went on dates 3 days in a row...and yesterday worked again.

Houston, we've had a problem...

It's been incredibly hard going out with more than one person at a time. (In the grander sense, not literally) Essentially, I'm doing what I hated about the guys who I saw my friends going out with in college. I feel like it's been good for me, but at the same time I can't help feeling like I'm selling short the relationships I'm developing with these women. I've done my best to be honest with all parties involved...but still...it's frustrating. I've never before been presented with the opportunity, let alone the desire, to get to know more than one person at a time in a "dating" kind of setting.

In the back of my head I keep hoping that they'll lose interest in me and I won't have to make the decision of who I ultimately want to date regularly...and then...what if none of them work out? I've already made mistakes in the process...but that's to be expected when you've "come out of retirement" after several years... I really don't know what to do at this point...it's a mess. But, as they say...don't hate the player, hate the game. And I really, really hate the game...

Jane, get me off this crazy thing...called love.

In contrast...it's been really good for my self esteem/confidence. On more than one occasion someone has told me I'm not what they would consider shy and or fat. Slowly I'm buying into those statements...it's just been a long time since I've felt that way. As wise woman told me, even after the weight is gone, you still see yourself as you appeared before...despite what the scale, your clothes...and your friends tell you.

To Quote Mr. Data....who was in turn quoting a Mr. Montgomery Scott...

It is green.

I kind of like this color...we'll see how long it lasts.

More useful posting to follow in the evening.

Movie time!

More Than Meets the Eye...

So by now, most guys who were even remotely aware of their surroundings in the 1980's are aware that there is a new live-action Transformers movie coming out on my birthday. (7/4/7) Today I was made aware that Mute Math has recorded the title track for the film! Yeah...I was a little excited. They're completely amazing...

In other news...I hate dating. Well, okay...not really. It's just really hard to figure out what you want in a relationship partner, and everyone seems to be so busy these days...I wonder if it's my 3-4 day work week...or the fact that I typically make time to be with people that makes it hard for me to accept that people don't "have time" to get together for lunch or whatever...even talk on the phone. Oh, the drama...again, not really. But it's fun to agonize over it! And by fun, I mean...not at all. *sigh*

TRANSFORMERS! ROBOTS IN FREAKING DISGUISE! YEAH!

I'm just a little excited...I'm even asking for some action figures for my birthday (yes, I'll be 27...) And I wonder why I'm still single...

Clarification

It's been brought to my attention that "Practice Date" was a really crappy way to put it. I guess I was trying to say that I wanted to just date people. Nothing really exclusive right off the bat, at least for right now. I've spent a lot of time and effort trying to become a guy Christian women would like to get to know...and I don't want to rush into another relationship only to tank it in its infancy because of ghosts of the past. So yeah...I hope that clears things up...at least a little. I know I can have a clumsy way with words sometimes. Okay...a lot of the time...

Oh, Bombarded was a lousy choice in words too...I should just delete the entire thing...

Girls Girls Girls...

This week has been strange. I've literally been bombarded with women who want to get to know me. I really do wonder if there's something in the water. I've also been reading Mars and Venus on a Date (a fantastic read for you relationship-phobes out there...) and it's been a good experience overall. It's really opened my eyes to the perils of moving too quickly into a relationship. I realized that I've sabotaged previous relationships that might have had potential because I skipped stages of dating.

I'm really trying to do right with this round of dating, so I'm taking things very slowly...almost painfully slow. But, I've found it's more rewarding in the long run. I've gotten the chance to get to know a lot of wonderful women without the looming cloud of physical intimacy overshadowing the newly formed relationship. I've touched on this before, but I really want to do right this time around. I've screwed up way too many relationships in the past because of random make outs... It's been a long time, and I'm ready to get back into the game (put me in Coach!) and do things right this time.

But, that means a lot of practice dates with lots of different women. I've tried to explain this to all the involved parties, and I think for the most part, everyone is okay with it. But, there are always going to be hang ups and bumps in the road. That's a given...but, armed with my ever expanding knowledge of the complex infrastructure known as the female mind, I think I'll be okay.

Welcome, to a new state of consciousness...

So I finally decided to open up a public blog on blogger instead of having to wade through the interface over at MySpace any further.

This is it. There is no more. It's well...black. So here's to another real blog! Finally...

In other news, I've been bailed out on by not one, but two girls this week. I'm awesome. But, I got to see Knocked Up yesterday instead of going on an ice cream date. And tonight...well...tonight is still up in the air. So we'll see...

Anyway, welcome!